by Sal Rodriguez
I hate dust. My ¼ scale NECA Elder Predator has dust in his dreadlocks. I’m sure they all do – Guardian, City Hunter, Jungle Hunter, and Big Red. I’m certain they all have dust on them. I haven’t looked yet. I’ll need to stand on a chair to look at them up close. The only reason I know about Elder’s dust is because he took a shelf dive, or should I say a desk dive. This time was bad. He broke my desk lamp. He also knocked down several of my Round 5 UFC figures, and knocked the Puzzle Box out of ¼ scale Hellraiser Pinhead’s hand. I’m expecting the rest of the Cenobites any second. I don’t know how little Mezco Chucky retained his knife! This is the second time Elder Predator has fallen down. Interesting that it’s the senior Predator that falls. Luckily, he didn’t break a hip. But I digress. I hate dust.
Not everything fits in a display cabinet. Definitely not my ¼ scale, or 18”, figures. They all sit quite high, either on top of the cabinets or on top of the desk, where people might place framed photos. I’ve given dust an open invitation. Making matters worse, I live in the front apartment, facing the street. I often leave my doors and windows open. I have two cats. And I confess, I’m not big on cleaning. (I hate things that have to be done over and over and over). I have four vacuums: one specifically for cat puke that sprays solvent; one basic upright; one small, hand-held canister with hose; and one teeny-tiny micro vac, just for things like computer keyboards and figures. I’ve also got cans of air duster. I hate using those because they just blow dust everywhere, like a mini leaf blower. I’d rather suck then blow (that sounded weird). I consider dust my mortal enemy.
I once took a magnifying glass to a pile of dust. Prior to that I just assumed dust was dirt. That would have been less gross. What I saw shocked me – hair, skin, insects, insect parts, and insect feces. That’s what dust is. That’s what is all over the stars of my collection: my ¼ scale NECA Predators – hair, skin, insects, insect parts, and insect feces...Gross. The display cabinets help, but dust makes its way in there too. It will get through the smallest crevice. It’s like some alien life form determined to unify itself with my collection – symbiote dust!
I hate dust. I get so mad when I buy a used figure from eBay, whether loose or in package, and it arrives full of dust. Who does that? Who sells someone a dusty item? It would take one minute to wet a paper towel and wipe it off. I’ve got enough disgusting dust of my own, now I’ve got some stranger’s dust? I don’t want his hair or his insect feces! (As a side note, I once opened an eBay package and a spider crawled out.) If anything is going to spread Ebola it’s eBay! Clean your stuff before you ship it!
I’m looking at my McFarlane Austin Powers figures right now. They need to be dusted. Dr. Evil’s cat has actual cat hair on him – ironic! But if I’m going to dust those I might as well dust that whole shelf. I swear, I just cleaned that shelf about three months ago. Okay, maybe 6 months ago. But still. It never ends! In my bedroom, I’ve got about two hundred figures, in packages, waiting to be opened for display or YouTube review, whenever I get around to it. It was just about nine months ago (okay, maybe a year) that I wiped all of them down and stacked them nicely. Now I’ve got to do it all over again. The dust is eating through the plastic clamshells I tell you! It’s like a plague! It’s everywhere! It’s on my keyboard right now, taunting me. Mocking me! I see it, there, in front of the new lamp, floating, settling. I’m breathing it in right now! It’s going to my brain! It’s eating my brain!
Damn. I just lost the bidding on the ¼ scale Warrior Predator. One less figure to dust.
+ Subscribe to Sal’s YouTube channel.