Star Wars = Junk Wars
Here we are...again. Another decade, another Star Wars trilogy. Another weekend of turn-style consumerism, industry secrets, mayhem, spending limits, and extraordinary high expectations. This weekend marks beginning of a whole new generation becoming exposed to the Jabba the Hutt-sized glut of new Star Wars merchandise beset upon us during a pseudo-holiday called "Force Friday." The floodgates opened Thursday night with a massive dirge of Star Wars paraphernalia. For those who were alive for the original trilogy and then the Lucas wet dream original trilogy-redux (I’m sorry, er, “Special Editions.” Screw you Lucas, Han shot first!) and then the prequels, this next phase in mass merchandising may put a bad taste in our mouths. Kinda like what a midi-chlorian may taste like.
16 years ago I was working for the now defunct Kay-Bee Toys in Cuyahoga Falls, OH for the summer of The Phantom Menace. I took the job because I had to pay rent for the first time in my life while in college, but as a toy collector it was pretty cool being at ground zero for the release of everything that was new to the Star Wars universe—even though I was pretty sure I had no intention of buying any of it. From my first inspection of the toys released during that midnight opening, the movie looked horrible. From Boss Nass to Watto, the overwhelming use of CGI versus the great puppetry and animatronics of the first three films turned me off immediately. And even though I hadn't yet seen the movie, the proliferation of Jar Jar Binks merch clearly made him out to be the comic relief of the film. Jar Jar Binks Tongue Candy anyone?
I knew true fans were going to hate it.
It opened at midnight the night of May 3rd, 1999 to about two dozen Star Wars fans waiting to get their first look at Darth Maul and a young Obi-Wan Kenobi. Some shoppers bought every figure released that night, some just bought a few, but the hottest item was the fancy new dual-bladed light saber that would be wielded by the new film's major villain. It sold out immediately.
"A DOUBLE-BLADED lightsaber?!?! So cool!"
"What else will they update in the new films?"
"How will the Droids play a role?"
"What the hell is a CommTech?"
Any of this sound familiar?
I wonder how much buyers remorse those fans have now? The problem with Star Wars collecting up to that point in time was that there had been huge uptick in the value of the OT's merchandise in the decade prior to the release of the new film. There was a blanket belief that ANYTHING Star Wars would have collectability. Action Figure "collecting" really didn't exist until the early 1990's and in that period the value of Star Wars merch that was released from 1977 to 1985 skyrocketed, so the belief was that anything "new" would have value later on as well, but I think we all know that's simply not the case. One of the reasons was that prior to Phantom Menace, there were plenty of new Star Wars products available. Kenner, before being absorbed by Hasbro, released a new SW action figure line in 1995 called The Power of the Force (collectors have dubbed it POTF2 so not to be confused with the final series of figures during the original trilogy’s run in 1985). Released to coincide with the 1997 Star Wars Special Editions (which in turn was to drum up interest for the new trilogy), the figures were updated versions of the classic characters many of us grew to love and introduced these characters to a new generation of fans. Reactions were mixed; some collectors were happy to purchase anything Star Wars while others groaned about the bad head-sculpts, out-of-proportion bodies, and lack of articulation. The line wasn't really meant for collectors, yet collectors snatched them up with dreams of funding their retirements by selling their investments in Star Wars toys.
I think this new generation is much savvier. Star Wars toys haven't left the toy aisle since and it's clear that a mass-merchandising plan doesn't create value amongst the thousands of different products released. The guy hoarding the Star War's Campbell Soup cans will have a tough time arguing their collectability, but at least he'll have some food for the apocalypse.
I've also sequestered the opinions of my 9-year-old nephew (who's the exact captive audience for all things Avengers/Batman/X-Men/Star Wars/Lego/Nerf) and his father (who's an original trilogy preferist) over the course of the next few articles to do a point/counterpoint of all the new Star Wars merch blinding consumers over the coming weeks. It's funny how far we've come from the Early Bird Package of '77. Parents have plenty of time to secure enough Star Wars junk to fulfill all their Christmas wish lists four months out.
Below are my three favorite Star Wars "Plastic Trash" items breaching the shelves of your favorite department stores this weekend. These are all items that are currently available. I know, the Lando Calrissian cologne deserves to be here, but that came out 2010. I’ve already seen a TON of these lists in the last few days, so I’m sure much more Star Wars Plastic Trash will follow!
Ugh. When I put "Chewb..." into Google, the third item that auto-filled was "Chewbacca Crocs" (after Chewbacca and Chewbacca Sound). I guess that means these things are going to be big sellers. I've never owned Crocs. I consider myself more fashionable than wanting to own a pair of shoes you can wash in the dishwasher. But I'm assuming that these aren't dishwasher safe since they are fur-lined. Well, it's not real Wookie hair at least. If you're a kid rocking these, more power to ya. If you're an adult...well, you're about 10 years too late to be fashionable, but I don't think that was your plan anyway.
The Pangea Brands Star Wars Darth Vader Toaster. I'll admit it. I'm a foodie. I've been in the food and beverage industry over half my life. Growing up, my dad was Chef de Cuisine in our house and I learned to cook at a very early age. As an adult, I love kitchen gadgets. Anything that reduces prep time without compromising quality is a blessing and over the years friends have bought me numerous fun kitchen gifts. One of those items was an R2-D2 measuring cup set, which is very cool. It breaks done to measuring spoons and cups of all the standard sizes and when together displays as a cool 12" scale R2 unit. It's utilitarian as much as it is cool looking. I guess I can say the same about the Darth Vader toaster, but since I toast everything in our oven (we don't own a toaster OR a microwave), I can't see shelling out $50 to get a Darth Vader image on the side of my bread. If it talked and had James Earl Jones telling me when my bread was done, okay, but it just makes toast. A cool thing to have on your kitchen counter for sure, but I'll put that $50 towards the new Hot Toys Vader figure.
Big time movie licensing is all about cross promotions. The fast food restaurant not only does a toy in their kid's meal, but flimsy plastic 40 oz. cups for their sodas (in the 80's they were actual glass and MUCH MUCH cooler.) The soda company produces cans that feature different characters. The snack aisle has chips with the new film emblazoned on the bag. The cereal aisle has at least one cereal based on the property. And ALL these items are sold as "limited editions," which actually means that there are thousands of the products out there and we will see the marked down come January. For some reason Campbell’s will be featuring Star Wars characters on their soup cans as well as their Spaghetti-O's. So if you're a fan of MSG and BPA AND C3PO--you're in luck. The shill here is that none of the cans feature any of the new characters from The Force Awakens, which is clearly just a shameless move to get Star Wars characters into another aisle at the grocery store. What? No Gungan Noodle Soup or Darth Maul Minestrone? Yeah, best stick with the characters everyone respects.
PS: If you missed it, here are the GOFN Top Picks from Force Friday!
Nathan is a life-long toy collector with a serious Peter Pan complex and an addiction to plastic smells. If he could ride an adult-sized Big Wheel to work, he would.
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